By Sharon Glass, Ph.D..
Do you ever look at your child's behavior and wonder just how much
it differs from that of other children? When you are the parent of a
child who has no obvious disabilities, it may be hard to describe the
subtleties you perceive in your atypical child.
Unfortunately, children with social and emotional differences are
often misunderstood by family, friends and even by medical and mental
health professionals. Other than moderate behavioral and social
improprieties, their early development may be unremarkable.
Experienced parents may find that traditional discipline with logical
consequences has little or no impact. What they may not realize is
that the child's noncompliance, irritability and low frustration
tolerance may actually be symptoms of a broader syndrome.
In fact, the child with these signs may be suffering from
perceptual or neurological limitations related to brain functions. He
may misperceive information or may perceive information accurately but
misinterpret it. He may take in the information and not understand it.
Naturally, he acts according to his interpretation. He may become
frustrated with his distortion and act out his frustrations. In
essence, his brain does not process the connections between cause and
effect that seem so obvious to the rest of society. In turn, the rest
of society generally experiences him as unusual, annoying or "bad",
not realizing his behaviors are really signs of distress.
Many medical and mental health professionals are equally unfamiliar
with how to assess the situation. Those who treat the child for
depression may miss the underlying cause of the problems. The harder
it is for them to understand the child, the less the child's emotional
needs are met. The child becomes more irritable and depressed while
the adults become increasingly frustrated as their typically
successful strategies only exacerbate the problems at hand.
When a child enters elementary school, he finds a more complex
environment that calls forth additional mental processes and social
skills. If he is innately limited in the areas of social or learning
skills, his problems increase. Educators who are accustomed to a
particular structure that works for the majority of their students may
be at a loss as to how to help the "different" child. They expect
solutions to come from the very parents who seek their help. The
circular nature of the problems impact the relationship between
parents and school authorities, often resulting in the child being
under served. The following case history exemplifies this process.
Example:
Susan was concerned that her daughter Zooey had difficulty adjusting
to a preschool in which the teacher believed 3-year-old Zooey had "a
behavior disorder". Then next year, Susan moved Zooey to a more
structured preschool with more empathic teachers. Although Zooey
seemed comfortable and secure in the new environment, her ability to
make friends, get along with people, and function well in a social
situation remained less developed than those of her peers.
When Zooey was in kindergarten, her teacher said she "wandered
some" but thought Zooey "would outgrow this". In first grade, Zooey's
social problems increased and she lagged academically. When
questioned, the first grade teacher told Susan that Zooey "was keeping
up just fine". The rest of Zooey's elementary education continued
similarly, with Susan thinking that Zooey was different from other
children, the school voicing complaints about Zooey being antagonistic
and Zooey showing daily signs of distress.
Eventually, school personnel said that Zooey's misbehavior was
willful and therefore not justification for in depth assessment. The
school provided some support, but also accused Susan of being "overly
involved" with Zooey. Susan protested and took Zooey to private
agencies for additional tests, tutoring and counseling. Although each
of the various professionals added valuable information to her
picture, Susan still did not fully know how to help her child.
By the time Zooey entered middle school, she had suffered repeated
rejection from peers and teachers alike. By 7th grade, she began to
act out in more dramatic ways. Within a few weeks of entering 8th
grade, she was whisked off to a residential treatment setting.
Although it is doubtful she will ever have an easy or "normal": life,
she is now learning to relate appropriately with peers, family and
others who care for her. Fortunately, her parents were able to find
sufficient help before she completely outgrew their control and before
she caused serious harm to herself or to anyone else.
Discussion:
Although well intentioned, both her parents and the public school
alternately blamed each other and Zooey for Zooey's problems. Over the
years, her parents became increasingly fatigued and hopeless in their
quest to help her. Even though friends, family and professionals acted
supportively, the parents felt guilty and alone, believing they were
deficient yet unable to identify what deficiencies to correct.
Although even a very young Zooey was aware that she was
"different", no one in her world understood the true nature of her
differences. In adolescence she made her pain so obvious that her
problems could no longer be minimized. Eventually, the cause of
Zooey's problems were identified as neurologically based. Zooey acted
inappropriately because her perceptual and neurological systems were
unable to integrate common social and nonverbal information. In
addition, although her learning disabilities of dyslexia, ADHD, visual
and memory deficits had been treated adequately, her nonverbal
learning disability (NVLD) had not. Its processing limitations caused
social and emotional deficiencies with a gap in maturity that became
more apparent in adolescence. Zooey tried to fit in but just did not
have the "hard wiring" that enables most people to do so with ease.
Recommendations:
Working with atypical "hard wiring" of their child's brain
processes takes parents way beyond the normal routines of typical
child rearing. This may mean addressing symptoms that later fall into
a range of categories, from classical mental illness to autism to mild
learning differences.
In such situations, parents need respite and support (as do care
givers of anyone with illness or disability). They need guidance to
develop creative strategies as they navigate new waters. While many
self help books and classical theories emphasize the importance of
good parenting, few address the needs of the "different child" and
fewer acknowledge the needs of their families. Parents, educators,
medical and mental health providers need to seek adequate psycho
education to help them accurately diagnose and address these needs.
Parenting any child has challenges, but parenting a child with
social and learning differences calls forth additional skills. These
children benefit from additional patience, resilience, advocacy and
creativity in their loved ones.
When their unique gifts are validated, it is to the mutual benefit
of the children and the society in which they live. In spite of the
interactional dilemmas they present, these children are among the more
sensitive and creative members of our society.
With appropriate psychotherapy, family therapy, pharmacological and
neuropsychological research, we now have increased optimism for the
future of all children and their families. The key is in being open
minded and sensitive to the unique individuality of each child, each
parent-child relationship and each family situation.
